Slacker Parenting 101

April Caves, April 2008

I've never the uber-mum. You know the ones. They schedule every minute of their kid's day with piano lessons, soccer try outs and gymnastics. They are on every school committee; their kids can't eat sugar or watch Disney films because of the "subliminal messages".

I miss the day when I was young when kids could walk to school alone, when there weren't "play-groups," and letting your kid eat sand was ok. Scheduling, pre-planning, time management...who needs them! What's family life without chaos? A life over-managed is a life spoiled.

Parenting doesn't have to be hardest job in the world here's a few guidelines' I follow:

1. Sleep is a thing of the past, get used to functioning on 4-5 hours a night. Count yourself lucky if they are unbroken.

2. Using "because I said so" is a perfectly logical and acceptable answer to "Why?"

3. Don't plan anything EVER! If you do plan anything you are guaranteeing that your child/children will be sick or injured in some way. In the event you were planning something for your own enjoyment the illness will involve vomit, and lots of it. This is a scientific fact.

4. Being able to go to the bathroom alone or without someone screaming outside the door is a luxury you no longer have, get used to it.

5. Telling your children that things are "broken" or "sleeping" is ok, this works well with: the TV, an annoying video or toy, or yourself.

6. If it doesn't have a drive-up window, you don't go to it.

7. Pretend you are deaf when you hear "she pinched me" or "he's making faces at me". Unless there are blood-curdling screams or actual blood, don't get involved.

8. Unless newsworthy events are covered on Dora the Explorer or Yo Gabba Gabba, you will have absolutely no knowledge of current affairs. If you are with people who are not "blessed" with children, and you have no idea what they are talking about, just smile and nod,..... this will carry you a long way.

9. Learn how to lie. If you are with a group of parents who all breast feed and only feed their kids home grown organic vegetables, just pretend that you do too. They don't need to know that your kids live Dominos pizza and hotdogs. It's not worth alienating other adults over something silly like principles.

10. School is your friend. Parents who cry on the first day of school do so out of sheer relief. Anyone who says different is either crazy or lying.

Once you have mastered these basics you will be ready for the advanced material!